Loneliness is a subjective sense of isolation – a feeling of not being able to connect with other people, a sense of being apart. As humans, we feel the need to be with other people. We need to relate to others, to get involved in their lives, to work with them, and to express our emotions around other people. Our social needs are nearly as powerful as our other basic needs, like our needs for food, water, and shelter.
When we are deprived of our social needs, we can become fearful. Our sense of being alone might become amplified. It is common for a person in social isolation to magnify the thoughts that accompany loneliness – and then withdraw even further from others. When we choose to withdraw, we may end up feeling trapped in our isolation.
The Effect of Loneliness
Physical pain alerts us to the need to take action to end the pain. Social pain, in the form of loneliness, tells us to end our isolation. Indeed, functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) of the brain indicates that the same region of the brain is activated when a person feels rejection as when they feel physical pain. Research has found that chronic feelings of loneliness accelerate the aging process. It has an effect on our stress hormones, immune function, and cardiovascular function, which, over time, are compounded.
Breaking the Cycle
We create a reality for ourselves that determines how others view us. Other people observe this reality and use it to define us. Then they act toward us on the basis of that assessment. So, if we see ourselves as lonely people who are trapped in a cycle of isolation, others will also see us that way and will treat us accordingly. We then get caught in a negative feedback loop where we become self-protective, we distrust that others will like us, and we move even further into isolation. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Steps to Take for Ending Loneliness
- Recognize and fully admit that you are trapped in the loneliness cycle
- Extend yourself out to other people
- Develop an action plan to challenge the loneliness cycle
- Take a selective approach toward other people
Breaking the loneliness cycle is both difficult and gratifying. Most people find it helpful to do this work with a trained therapist who can serve as a source of insight and support. The process can start with a phone call.